US SOCCER: Not Who We Thought We Were


Win [or even tie] and you're in. 

All the United States men's soccer team had to do was beat or tie Trinidad & Tobago.


This team has lost a.) 6 straight games in CONCACAF group qualifying, b.) 7 straight games overall and c.) is winless in 9 straight! 

This should have been easy work. And don't give me that crap about how the field was soaked and a nightmare to play on. IT'S TRINIDAD & TOBAGO.

Don't start with the phantom goal that gave Panama it's win and in turn propelled them past the USMNT into the World Cup. ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS WIN OR TIE.

 Panama's goal that wasn't a goal that was ruled a goal.

Panama's goal that wasn't a goal that was ruled a goal.

Trinidad & Tobago has less than 1.5 million people on it's tiny little island and you're telling me they found 11 guys who give more of a shit than the United States? It's tough times to be an American, boys. Sure, we have a lot more serious problems to worry about than soccer, but if there was one remaining thing that we could ALL get behind in these divisive times it's some good ol' international competition. That's our jam.  We run that shit. We've been dunking on clowns and swimming in gold medals for decades. 

We've been so badass at international competition we saw 99% of the world playing soccer and said "huh, bet we can win at that too." Sure, it took a while for us to figure out the goofy game, but in the last 30 years we've been pretty much a lock for the round of sixteen in the World Cup, we almost shocked the world in the 2009 Confederations Cup final and we've won six Gold Cups (suck it, Mexico). Not bad for a country who couldn't give less of a shit about soccer 3 out of every 4 years.

Well, we all realized an ugly truth tonight... we actually suck at soccer. Sure, we can hang with the best of 'em every now and then, and hell, we might even beat a top team once in a while. But tonight, years of not giving a shit and only tuning in during World Cups came back to bite us. We are not who we thought we were.

We are an average team, at best. We are that freakishly athletic kid you knew in high school who everyone thought was gonna go pro in something, but he smoked too much pot, knocked some girl up and now he works at Best Buy (not that there's anything wrong with that). Listen, we have so much potential. As a country, there's not a whole lot we can't do if we set our mind to it, but tonight we shit the bed. Now we're gonna have to lay in that bed for 3.5 years and what we do during that time will show who we really are.

My man Taylor Twellman, former USMNT player, summed it up best.

If I know the America I love, we will re-emerge in 3.5 years with shit in our hair, whiskey on our breath and some fucks to give. Look out, world, we'll be back and ready to party soon.